when i lived in maine, i had friends. i had a life. i loved my job. i’m not trying to romanticize my life there at all - i was actually miserable. but, you know, i felt comfortable. bored, lonely, sad, yes, but it felt like home regardless. by moving to new york city, i gave up all that stability. i gave up having a group of friends who really knew me, and i left behind a job where i was comfortable with myself. while i’m so much happier in new york, i don’t feel close to anyone here. no one really knows who i am.
for some reason none of that bothers me. but i do spend a lot of time wondering if i’ll have all that here, or anywhere else. sometimes i’m not sure if i’ll ever have that kind of closeness with other people again. i’ve lived here for a year and have spent the majority of that time basking in my solitude. in retrospect, i find myself curious as to whether or not that was it for me. maybe i gave up my one and only chance to feel like an important part of a community. and yet, even if that is the case, i still don’t believe i regret the changes i’ve made in my life. i guess i just sort of hope that someday i’ll stop being such a loner and regain that feeling of love. i’ve almost entirely forgotten what it was like.
